Marketing Douchebags
If you’ve been hurt in an auto accident, use your remaining fingers to tweet some keywords about your pain and suffering, and this guy will zoom to your rescue with a heartfelt ad for a timely massage!

If you’ve been hurt in an auto accident, use your remaining fingers to tweet some keywords about your pain and suffering, and this guy will zoom to your rescue with a heartfelt ad for a timely massage!

Who Says There’s No Money in Marketing Responsibly?

Kevin D. McNabb possesses a seemingly-rare quality among Multi-Level Marketers: he’s responsible.  In fact, he’s so responsible, he even trademarked that phrase.

(Notice that he didn’t feel compelled to call himself “The MOST Responsible Network Marketer.” Evidently, simply being "the" responsible network marketer is enough to set you apart in this crowd.)

Kevin’s calls to action are the same as you’d see from most other MLM acolytes…

… but what sets Kevin apart is his unflappable commitment to responsibility.  As he explains on his website:

See?  Not only is he building “an empire that is quickly stretching around the globe,” but he also wants to help create and coach 25 “cash millionaires.  In other words, he wants you to succeed, using his tried-and-true principles.

Which principles, you may ask?

"Attraction Marketing" — the same approach used by thousands of other MLMers around the world!  It’s this same methodology that has helped Kevin build a LinkedIn network of 39 people!

… and a YouTube channel with dozens of views!

He even has his own YouTube group, a place where all those network marketers who want to build their businesses in a responsible fashion can gather to support each other — and just look how many people have joined him!

Hmm…

Maybe “responsible” isn’t a word most MLMers feel comfortable using.  Kevin might be alienating the very people he’s trying to help, simply by reminding them that they need to be ethical on their quest for untold-of riches.

But don’t worry; if this whole “responsibility” thing doesn’t pan out for Kevin, I think I just found another untapped goldmine where marketers fear to tread.

People Who Don’t Exist Are Desperate for Your Business!

Have you heard of Riffbean Wireless?  No?  That’s okay; neither has anyone else!

Apparently, the company only has three employees, all of them in sales… but none of them have any connections on LinkedIn, including not being connected to each other!

But that hasn’t stopped them from… well… basically not doing anything… except joining shitloads of LinkedIn groups, so they can… um… I have no idea, really.

For a New York-based company, their employees sure spend a lot of time joining LinkedIn groups in Pittsburgh and Europe.  But what would they even do on a LinkedIn group?  They don’t even have a website, and none of their listed employees seem to actually exist outside the company.

Is LinkedIn becoming a practice ground for fiction writers?

Make Millions Without Anybody Actually Paying Attention!

The Twitter profile Welfare 2 Rich should be inspiring to anyone who’s ever dreamed of getting rich without ever actually doing anything.

See, the avatar is a pair of handcuffs, which stands for “the system,” or “the man,” or whatever else you might think is “keeping you down.”  But the background is money.  Get it?

Welfare 2 Rich is an Internet Marketer who has used “vast” marketing techniques and “exposed” twitter to make actual cash money.

The YouTube channel this account links to is that of corporateman2004, better known (?) by his more casual (and third, by my count) handle, Google Jon.

Alas, Google Jon’s guide to YouTube seems to have been removed by YouTube for violating YouTube’s terms of service.

Whoops.

But that’s okay, because Google Jon has 32 other videos to show you, plus some inspirational videos featuring a man with no limbs.

Google Jon’s goal is simple: he wants you to be rich and wonderful.  (And who can argue with that?)

Plus, his website is possibly the most inviting website you could hope to see:

And the other website he links to from YouTube is even better!

You know you can trust MadMoneySecrets.com — which, for some reason, actually links to a site calling itself Maverick Money Makers — because, as it proudly states, it’s been “seen on Google, MSN, Yahoo! and AOL.”  How many other sites can boast such a track record?

Alas, despite all that exposure (and a nifty name), Compete.com had some trouble finding any record of actual human beings visiting either of Google Jon’s sites…

But that’s okay!  If Google Jon can make thousands of dollars a month from websites nobody actually visits, imagine how much money you could make from websites people actually go to!

Why Work to Become an Expert When You Can Just Buy Someone Else’s Expertise?

Lazer Alliance is “the Premier Online Marketing Club,” also known as “Your Ally in the Battle for Online Attention!”

And just how do they propose to assist you?

By allowing you to download materials they wrote and then resell them — in effect, allowing you to sell what they know.

As explained on their website:

"You will be able to download up to 20 high-quality ebooks [and] up to 10 software programs that have been designed to help you build or improve your online image. All of these come with full resell or giveaway rights, allowing you to redistribute them in order to promote your website, build your list, earn extra income, or promote your affiliate links."

So let me get this straight: for a membership fee, Lazer Alliance will allow you to download free ebooks and other materials they wrote, which you can then resell on your website, which makes you look like the expert?

If becoming an expert is this easy, how soon before we can all just rent our university degrees and get sweet jobs as scientists or surgeons?

Twitter 2000: If You Build It, They Will Come (& Market to You)

ARE YOU A MILLIONAIRE YET???

No?  Well, let’s use Twitter 2000 to fix that.

Twitter2000 “is your Twitter Marketing arsenal that lets you access tried, tested and trusted twitter tools and services at a single place.”  And they seem pretty convinced that Twitter is the most important source of potential wealth on the planet.

You think that’s impressive?  Just wait!  My crack team of abacus monkeys assures me that “if Twitter’s current growth rate keeps up,” they could be at 90 billion members by 2020 — AND ALL OF THEM WANT TO BE MARKETED TO BY YOU.  (Don’t let them down!!!!)

So how does Twitter 2000 work?  Simple:

That’s right: you “buy 2000 potential Twitter followers.”  Not guaranteed followers, mind you, but people who might follow you.  (I guess it would harsh Twitter 2000’s mellow to point out that ALL Twitter users are your potential followers, and you don’t have to buy any of them.)

But that’s okay, because Twitter 2000 is also your gateway to some kick-ass tools.

And which tools does Twitter 2000 condone?  You may have heard of them — TweetDeck, SocialOomph, and even a crazy app called Search.Twitter, which… oh, wait… Search.Twitter is actually part of Twitter itself?  Who knew?  (Not Twitter 2000’s users, I bet.)

As for marketing, Twitter 2000 can help you learn the secrets of the masters — like auto-follow, auto-DM and other automated skillz that really help you feel personally connected to your 2000 brand new potential acquaintances.

Still wondering if you should advertise through Twitter 2000?  Fear not — their explanation is almost bulletproof:

Twitter 2000 is the “most affordable and effective way to drive traffic to your website ever.”  And by “ever,” they must mean “in the history of websites,” since that’s what “ever” means.  (I’m sure there’s proof of that claim somewhere in their fine print.)

ARE YOU EXCITED YET?  You should be.  If Twitter 2000 keeps growing at its current rate, it’ll be able to rock you to sleep at night in your man-sized cradle lined with money.

If We Stop Tweeting Inspirational Quotes, the Terrorists Win

Aaron Alexandra Ngoh is a “gentle internet marketing giant” who’s been building multiple income streams since he was 16.

And if there’s one thing he knows, it’s that PEOPLE F*CKING LOVE INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES.

When he’s not fueling you with inspirational quotes from legitimately famous people, he’s earning a fortune from his (wait for it) MySpace page — which, when you think about it, is genius, because NO ONE ELSE IS USING MYSPACE ANYMORE, so he’s actually blazing a retro trail.

In fact, he’s so good at what he does, he hasn’t even bothered logging in to update his goldmine in two months.

Not that his MySpace page is absent of inspiration, either…

Hell, even his music interests are as inspirational as it gets…

And he must know a thing or two about cash: the money he’s saved by running his business from a MySpace page has helped him buy a penthouse in Singapore, which he assures us is the most expensive real estate market in Asia.

Fortunately, he gets to spend a lot of time sitting by the pool and playing golf, where he presumably has time to consider which inspirational quotes he’d like to share with you next.  And if you follow his system — which is “so simple, anyone can do it” — you too can someday own a poolside Singapore penthouse.  Just click your heels three times…

Thought Leadership Is All in Your Head

Josiane Feigon may be a crackerjack marketer, but these days, offering countless webinars about lead conversion just isn’t good enough to stay ahead of the pack.

Like anyone well-versed in “internet marketing,” Josie knows that nobody gets anywhere without also being a thought leader — and she’s convinced that you need to be convinced that she is one.

… so she’s told you she’s a thought leader twice on her Twitter page.

… and again on her website!

What kinds of thoughts is Josiane Feigon leading you into?  Well, for starters, she’s coined some new phrases, like “no-po,” which stands for… well, let her explain it:

And, as you can see, the term is buzzing up the search engine charts, having been found… once, in this context.

Other sites referring to Josiane as a thought leader include… a blog comment she left about herself, lamenting that American sales guys just don’t get her:

… and her bio on a guest blog post promoting her upcoming webinar:

… in which her (then-)forthcoming book is already being proclaimed (presumably by Josiane herself) to be “the sourcebook for inside sales.”

Okay, so maybe Josiane’s thought leadership hasn’t quite extended beyond her own personal sphere of influence yet.  But the good news is, she may have been right about her book.  It’s selling well on Amazon, currently ranked #2 in one category as I type this, and has 14 ratings from readers — all of which are 5 stars!

At this rate, it’s only a matter of time before someone other than Josiane Feigon will be telling you that Josiane Feigon is a thought leader.

Who’s the Bross?

Steve Brossman is a man of many titles:

… and a few more:

One of his websites is Profitable Social Marketing, which I presume is much more successful than his chief competitors, Unprofitable Social Marketing and Social Marketing at a Loss.

Here’s a video, in which Steve woos you with his warm Aussie charm:

All of which, like every other Twitter marketing scheme under the sun, is a lead-in to you buying Steve’s system, which he and his wife have committed to a series of books, pamphlets, DVDs and possibly a blow-up doll with a pull-string voicebox.

Look at all of the amazing, hard-to-find tips you can learn from these 8 videos and 3 workbooks!

How much would YOU pay for all this knowledge?  How about ONLY $99?

Surely that’s a steep price for information commonly available in $20 books (or for free online), no?  Not according to the legions of people who must have signed up for Brossman’s system — at least enough to send him on a five day “seminar cruise” across the Atlantic.

Lesson:  Whatever business you’re in, it’s the wrong one.

The Subtle Art of Looking Like You’re Knowing What You’re Talking About

I have to hand it to Michel Fortin — if I ever buy into an automated wealth system, his would be at the top of my list.  Why?

For starters, his site looks clean.  (As does the site he manages with his wife, the equally  clip art-laden Success Chef.)  He obviously took the time to design it in a passable way, which is more than I can say for 99% of his competitors, whose design skills have been left for dead at the side of the road.

And there’s also something to be said for a wealth system that’s not only infinitely scalable but 100% outsourceable.

But you know what really sells me on his expertise?

You always know you can trust a guy with 4 pocket squares.

Remember: if you look like a king, they treat you like one.  (Until you’re deposed.)