March 2010
1 post
January 2010
4 posts
Who Says There's No Money in Marketing...
Kevin D. McNabb possesses a seemingly-rare quality among Multi-Level Marketers: he’s responsible. In fact, he’s so responsible, he even trademarked that phrase.
(Notice that he didn’t feel compelled to call himself “The MOST Responsible Network Marketer.” Evidently, simply being “the” responsible network marketer is enough to set you apart in this...
People Who Don't Exist Are Desperate for Your...
Have you heard of Riffbean Wireless? No? That’s okay; neither has anyone else!
Apparently, the company only has three employees, all of them in sales… but none of them have any connections on LinkedIn, including not being connected to each other!
But that hasn’t stopped them from… well… basically not doing anything… except joining shitloads of LinkedIn...
Make Millions Without Anybody Actually Paying...
The Twitter profile Welfare 2 Rich should be inspiring to anyone who’s ever dreamed of getting rich without ever actually doing anything.
See, the avatar is a pair of handcuffs, which stands for “the system,” or “the man,” or whatever else you might think is “keeping you down.” But the background is money. Get it?
Welfare 2 Rich is an Internet...
Why Work to Become an Expert When You Can Just Buy...
Lazer Alliance is “the Premier Online Marketing Club,” also known as “Your Ally in the Battle for Online Attention!”
And just how do they propose to assist you?
By allowing you to download materials they wrote and then resell them — in effect, allowing you to sell what they know.
As explained on their website:
“You will be able to download up to 20...
December 2009
8 posts
Twitter 2000: If You Build It, They Will Come (&...
ARE YOU A MILLIONAIRE YET???
No? Well, let’s use Twitter 2000 to fix that.
Twitter2000 “is your Twitter Marketing arsenal that lets you access tried, tested and trusted twitter tools and services at a single place.” And they seem pretty convinced that Twitter is the most important source of potential wealth on the planet.
You think that’s impressive? Just wait! My...
If We Stop Tweeting Inspirational Quotes, the...
Aaron Alexandra Ngoh is a “gentle internet marketing giant” who’s been building multiple income streams since he was 16.
And if there’s one thing he knows, it’s that PEOPLE F*CKING LOVE INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES.
When he’s not fueling you with inspirational quotes from legitimately famous people, he’s earning a fortune from his (wait for it) MySpace page...
Thought Leadership Is All in Your Head
Josiane Feigon may be a crackerjack marketer, but these days, offering countless webinars about lead conversion just isn’t good enough to stay ahead of the pack.
Like anyone well-versed in “internet marketing,” Josie knows that nobody gets anywhere without also being a thought leader — and she’s convinced that you need to be convinced that she is one.
… so...
Who's the Bross?
Steve Brossman is a man of many titles:
… and a few more:
One of his websites is Profitable Social Marketing, which I presume is much more successful than his chief competitors, Unprofitable Social Marketing and Social Marketing at a Loss.
Here’s a video, in which Steve woos you with his warm Aussie charm:
All of which, like every other Twitter marketing scheme under the...
The Subtle Art of Looking Like You're Knowing What...
I have to hand it to Michel Fortin — if I ever buy into an automated wealth system, his would be at the top of my list. Why?
For starters, his site looks clean. (As does the site he manages with his wife, the equally clip art-laden Success Chef.) He obviously took the time to design it in a passable way, which is more than I can say for 99% of his competitors, whose design skills have...
Shooting Opportunity in the Face
AIM Integrated Marketing is probably a completely reputable and wonderful business, and they really don’t even belong on this list of asshole marketers and companies who are knowingly “doing it wrong.”
But I do have to question the intentions of any company that depicts success via an image of a woman in a kerchief shooting a floating dreamlike monster with a bow & arrow...
Exploiting the Desperate from the Comfort of Your...
Check out this guy, who’s on his way to help people get registered to vote in the 2008 US presidential election. While he’s en route to empowering the people, he’d like to take a moment and fleece them for a few bucks first.
Also, notice the tags he’s used to make sure his video gets seen:
Case in point: How did I find this video? I was Googling Al Sharpton. ...
'Cause You're Growns Up and You're Growns Up and...
Trent in Swingers would be so proud of Twitter. Tweet Me Amour believes Twitter has finally grown up because it’s become a marketing sinkhole — and who are we to argue with a guy who’s selling the top Twitter marketing tool AND warning us about teeth whitening?
Well, evidently someone begs to differ with Tweet Me Amour, because one of the links in his spam stream above has...
November 2009
23 posts
"If You Want to Be Successful, Do What Successful...
Terrance Charles is an “Expert Internet Marketer” who wants to take you to the top (of… the Internet?…)
His “official Twitter profile” proclaims: “If you want to be successful, do what successful people do.”
And what do successful people do? Well, that depends on your idea of success. And in this case, “success” involves getting...
Stop Being a Douchebag -- Be an Asshole Instead!
Are you tired of all those douchebag marketers out there? So is Mike Klingler!
Fortunately, Mike has a plan to help you stop being a douchebag. You’ll still be a multi-level marketer, selling other people on the opportunity to sell an opportunity (and on and on, ad infinitum) — but now you’ll be less douchey!
What makes you less douchey? No clue. But Mike says...
Stalking or Spamming?
Bob Foley pointed out this “odd bird” on Twitter:
With a mere two tweets to his name, what could be so odd?
Check out his followers:
All women named Anne.
Stalkerbot? Scripting experiment? Either way, coders are clearly finding new and interesting ways to seek you out.
Good night, privacy.
Gaming the System with Targeted Ads
If you read this morning’s recap of last night’s Monday Night Football game on Sports Illustrated, you probably saw these “targeted ads” at the bottom of the page:
Look familiar? Then maybe you also read yesterday’s SI.com column from Peter King, which discussed the Lions’ comeback win over the Browns — and which was flanked with ads like this:
So...
Now Is Time... for You!
That might sound like a threat from an angry Russian henchman, but relax… it’s just the Twitter handle for jay singer, “online young business entrepreneur and Internet Marketing Success.” We suspect he purposely keeps his name in lowercase, like k.d. lang — or perhaps he’s not really a person at all, but a hastily-typed entry in a database of lowercase...
If I Wood, Wood You?
Sailing Takes me away To where I’ve always heard it could be Just a dream and the wind to carry me And soon I will be free
— Christopher Cross, “Sailing”
Pete Bennett is a passionate sailor and woodworker. But you can’t be passionate about wood if you don’t have the time and money to keep your wood happy.
Fortunately, Pete Bennett is also an affiliate...
Milking the Health Care Debate for Fun and Profit
Worried about the future of American health care? So are a lot of people — which makes health care not only a hot button issue but an SEO bonanza.
Premier Health Care may or may not be a legitimate company, but judging by their Twitter approach — no name, no bio, and a plethora of links to their own site interspersed with retweets of headline news, inspirational quotes and classic...
I'm Not Anonymous, I'm Just Drawn That Way.
What’s your first clue that workoutdaily is a Twitter spam account?
Could it be…
A) The suggestive avatar?
B) The listed name of “fitness guru” instead of an actual name?
C) The bio that’s just a company pitch?
Or maybe you noticed the cryptic nature of the account’s tweets…
Looks like someone rigged up a script to retweet random mentions of the...
If You Tell People You're Influential, They HAVE...
If you’re looking for a guru to be influenced by, look no further. THIS ONE HAS SOCIAL MEDIA RIGHT IN HIS NAME.
Meet Gary Wapnitsky, better known as Social Media Gary, “The newest, most influential Social Media Guru on Twitter.”
We know he’s influential because A) he says so, B) he’s on four people’s lists, and C) he’s pioneering a completely new way...
Sebastian Foss Is in Your Inbox, Sidestepping Your...
Yes, that’s right — fame and fortune can be yours, as long as you download this attachment…
Considering what others are saying about Sebastian Foss, I don’t think I need to say anything else. But when your spam filter knows he’s spam and it still delivers his genius straight to your inbox, you have to be impressed.
Steven Barchetti: A Man of Many Nicknames
Some know him as the King of Social Media…
… where he proffers such kingly wisdoms as:
Others know him as The Business Whisperer, whose silky-voiced promise of independent wealth will lull you into forgiving him for launching an auto-play video on his homepage.
Do you want to know The #1 Reason “Business’s” Fail? Then time is of the essence — flock now...
SEO Is as SEO Does
Meet Rendy. (Last names would only get in the way.)
Rendy has a system to help you get discovered, so you can then become rich.
Unfortunately, Rendy’s system itself seems to have some trouble getting found.
That’s okay, though, because this system is an “SEO dominator.”
… and by “dominator,” what he really means is, “the system itself...
Just in Case You Thought Donald Trump Wasn't...
With so many people using the Trump name to pimp their MLM schemes, you might be thinking, “What does Donald Trump think about all this?”
Turns out he does it too.
That’s right, America. Join now and “be apart of the revolution.”
Because the revolution can probably spell…
That's Just Embarrassing
I Spam, Therefore I Am
Who Says Spammers Lack Imagination?
That’s not a dick, that’s one of the worms from Tremors.
Take Two of These And Don't Call Me in the Morning
All those other marketing gurus out there can claim they know what they’re talking about, but only Doctor Dave Hale has the word “Doctor” in front of his name. And like Strange, Zhivago and Doom before him, he demands to be taken seriously (while he spams you with links to his site).
You know how else you can tell he’s at the top of his game?
Three words: Donald Trump...
If at First They Don't Trust You, Use ALL CAPS
Meet Chad Zwigart, the self-professed networKING of Pittsburgh. (GET IT???)
I don’t know about you, but I’m dying to check out the area’s most “comprehensible” events calendar. Shall we?
Alas, it wasn’t meant to be, since the calendar is only accessible to people who give Chad their contact information. If anyone else feels like going through with it,...
C'est ne pas une pipe.
Ahh. So the only legitimate social media experts out there are the ones whose days are packed with the selling of actual bullshit. Got it.
Google Sniper: Anatomy of a Spam Email
I was recently deemed worthy of being spammed by someone named Jayce, who (via the ultra-legit email address “google@live.com”) urged me to use Google Sniper. I was so moved by the passion of his pitch that I’ve decided to pay tribute to it here, in its entirety.
See? It’s like he knows me — and he realizes that I don’t have time to waste looking for the...
LinkedIn Groups Are a Pointless Scrapheap
So, to summarize, we have:
“Insults-as-motivation” from a couple who run an MLM agency
“Inspiration” from a guy who runs an MLM agency
“Guidance” from a retired auto worker who now runs an MLM agency
“Classes” from a guy who’s self-employed in Bombay
Remind me again why people take LinkedIn seriously?
Who Said Being a Wealth Management Expert Involved...
The Art Institute of Pittsburgh Alumni group on LinkedIn has been buzzing about Matthew McCarthy’s upcoming Wealth Management meetup — mostly because Matthew McCarthy himself won’t stop talking about it.
Considering his LinkedIn profile lists his Education as “IRA,” McCarthy may not actually be an AIP alumnus (although his schooling does contain some of the same...
More Money Than You Can Shake Your Washboard Abs...
Looking for a way to make money from your beachfront villa? You could learn a thing or two from Stevie11.
He’ll be more than happy to pitch you on the automated Followe.rs system!
Just don’t take their moneymaking claims too seriously, because THEY PRINTED THEIR DISCLAIMER IN ALL CAPS SO YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY MISS IT.
October 2009
22 posts
They Finally Broke Twitter (Again)
Look — now YOU can top Trending Topics despite having no actual mentions of that specific phrase.
More likely: Twitter mass-destroyed all accounts that spread the phrase “Start Making $60-$100”, but hadn’t yet removed the phrase from the Trending Topics list. Maybe successfully spamming Twitter is harder than it seems…
You Know It's Bad When It Makes Donald Trump Look...
As I’ve noted several times before, people tend to attach the Trump name to all kinds of questionable online cash schemes. Here’s my new favorite: The Trump Network.
Looks like what it says it is, right? A link to an article about Donald, a link to an article about Ivanka…
But what’s that middle tweet? What does Charleston trying to land a 787 manufacturing deal have...
Savvy Ladies Bring the PANIC!!!
Savvy Ladies may (or may not) be a fabulous service. But if you want to find out for yourself, you should do so immediately, because the shrill and desperate tone of their tweets indicates that TIME IS OF THE MOTHERF*CKING ESSENCE!!!
UPDATE: Swin Hodges Will Not Be Stopped!
One of my favorite douchebags, Swin Hodges, has been a busy beaver. He’s already conducted four seminars (nearly all of them spelled correctly) intended to help YOU make money.
So successful is Swin’s silky maneuvering on LinkedIn that the last free session MAXED OUT!
And if you doubt the gullibility of the world’s get-rich-quick desperadoes, note that the traffic to...
India Gon' Make You RICH!
A few days ago, someone with the amazing job of “Independent Internet Professional” sent me an offer to get rich quick on LinkedIn. I joked that the standards for joining LinkedIn keep dropping, since now you don’t even need a real job to give other people job advice.
Now I see this is actually a structured business.
From India.
Today, someone named Koyel Das — this...
Making Money Is SO EASY, You Can Totally Half-Ass...
What if there were a blog that generated money for you at the push of a button?
OH WAIT, THERE IS!!!
In fact, as your browser will confirm, it’s even called “blog.”
Jeff Ballew is so sure his blog can make you money, he hasn’t even bothered to include a video file or a phone number in his template! In fact, the most time anyone invested on this page were the precious...
Fear Your Babysitter!
I’ll tell you who I trust to provide me with ironclad personal safety advice: someone with impeccable grammar.
I know how Donna feels. I, too, live in constant fear of my cleaning women.
Fortunately, Donna has established Guard Yourself Today for the benefit of defenseless women everywhere. And if you don’t want to Guard Yourself Today, maybe you’d rather Guard Yourself...
10 Ways to Be a Social Media Asshole | Kerja Keras... →
#11 would have to be “stealing someone else’s blog post and passing it off as your own,” no? Well done, “Internet Bussiness Blog”…
They Finally Broke Twitter
The Further Ghettoizing of LinkedIn
Once upon a time, you had to at least have a job to get a LinkedIn profile. Now, you can invent your own title — like “Independent Internet Professional” — and then TEACH OTHER LINKEDIN USERS WITH ACTUAL JOBS HOW THEY CAN MAKE MONEY!!!
If You Love Your Kids, You'll Give Donald Trump...
What’s better than posting inflammatory headlines all over Twitter? Telling people they should join your great new health & weight-loss business, and then linking them to…
(… wait for it…)
… the same Donald Trump-branded marketing scheme as this guy (and countless others)!
Passive-Aggressive Link Farming for Fun and...
Tired of getting assaulted by overbearing marketers? Try the indirect approach!
HushCryBaby knows you’re too smart to click on obvious marketing links, so instead they post arbitrary links to articles about pop culture and charities, to make themselves seem human. ISN’T THAT FRIENDLY???
They sure hope so, because — as their bio states — the REAL reason they’re...
Nevr Heard of Us? Don't Worry: We're the...
451 Marketing may, in fact, be the best social media marketing agency EVER. But calling themselves “The Leader in New Media Communications” may be overcompensating just a bit, don’t you think? (Especially when their Twitter ratio is inverted.)
Pittsburgh: You're Smarter Than This
Something about the Pittsburgh Business Builders’ board of directors just doesn’t add up…
Related: Some troubling Google results for the company fronted by the PBB’s president: