I was recently deemed worthy of being spammed by someone named Jayce, who (via the ultra-legit email address “google@live.com”) urged me to use Google Sniper.  I was so moved by the passion of his pitch that I’ve decided to pay tribute to it here, in its entirety.

See?  It’s like he knows me — and he realizes that I don’t have time to waste looking for the Holy Grail of anything.  That’s why he’s putting it in my lap, like a newborn kitten.

Thunk goes the kitten.  I AM NOW ENTHRALLED.

He’s going to teach me how to make Wikipedia?

Oh, sorry.  He meant he was going to show me how to print extra copies of Encarta in my basement.

This is the moment where any sane person hopes that he’s misread the signs, and that this will actually turn out to be an amateur porn scheme.

He can sense my skepticism.  IT’S LIKE WE’RE DUDES.

Thank god, because I don’t cotton to the acquisition of Holy Grails that require any work whatsoever.

In fact, there’s a 40% chance I’m already making money just from reading this email…

It even comes with a free guidebook titled “Everything I Ever Needed to Know About Business, I Learned from a Dying Pimp Named Rico.”

At least he’s self-aware enough to realize that some people might still be skeptical, so it’s a good thing he’s decided to change up his approach by… repeating the same URL from 5 paragraphs ago.

Like polio.

ZOMG HE’S EMAILING ME POLIO…

If you don’t want to work at all, but you’re hoping the stupidity of others will pay for your artery-collapsing Ding-Dong habit, this is for you.

It’s about time someone invented a website that shat gold, AND gave me the keys to it.

And if there’s one thing I’m a sucker for, it’s having my sanity questioned by a chain letter.

See, it’s classy touches like that which remind me that Jayce really, truly does care about my financial well-being.  If I could hug his Ding-Dong slathered love-handles through my keyboard, you know I would.

To our success, Jayce.

To us.